How To Be A Swan

Transcript

Welcome to the webinar on how to be a swan!

This should provide you will all the information you need to know to start your new career as one of the world's best waterfowl.

Being a swan is actually very simple: all you have to remember is the convenient acronym, ASBO, which stands for the four things you always have to do.

First of all, it is important to always be aggressive. If people come too close, you must flap your wings, honk, and chase them. You may also do this even if they don't come close, as humans should know better than to get anywhere near a full-grown swan. Make yourself look big, make some noise, and chase those annoying tourists away!

The second important thing when being a swan is to be serene. You may be looking forward to honking at the tourists and scaring them away, but you are still a gorgeous creature, worthy of a place in many a brave naturalist's photographs. So be sure to swim around gracefully and get their attention, and let your natural avian beauty shine through. And maybe if you're lucky, some of your admirers will bring bread!

That of course brings us to the next item, which is bread. If you are lucky enough to encounter a human who has some and is willing to share, they are probably hoping to watch you eat it, and perhaps take a picture of you once they have gotten your attention.

Eating bread is probably something that you will find straightforward, but it's worth going over the process ahead of time to be sure. All you have to do is bend your neck downwards, grab the piece of bread in your beak, and then bring your head up again and look at the sky to swallow it. Be careful not to eat too much, because bread isn't good for swans. But a little bit is okay.

The final item is, of course, honking. Now, other water birds can get away with just letting loose with whatever is on their minds at the moment, but you are a swan. You can do better than any old duck.

The most important thing is to kick your feet as hard as you can, and push yourself up out of the water so that everyone can see you. Then, you also need to flap your wings around as if you were about to lift off, making yourself seem bigger and scarier to anyone who might be watching.

Finally, you must open your beak as wide as it will go, so that you can make as much noise as possible. Let them hear you from the other side of the pond! Maybe someone will come and give you more bread!

Now, the original meme suggested that there would be a section on learning to break a man's arm, but that will not be possible. Health and safety regulations prohibit us from teaching any skills that might directly harm humans or other animals, which prevents us from pursuing that particular line of discussion. However, please accept the following bonus material as an apology.

Bonus lesson: how to become a goose. First you will need to acquire grey and black paint, in sufficient quantities to cover the majority of your body. You may also want to acquire white paint to make some things easier, but you can also use your natural white feathers for the white parts.

Step two is to apply the paint to your body. You can use your beak to hold the brush, and maybe hire a local seagull to get the parts you are not able to reach.

Step three: Voilà! Make sure you let the paint dry before going back in the water. You are now a lovely, aggressive goose! But we all know you are really a swan underneath.

We also recommend that you spend some time thinking about your song. After all, you only get one chance to perform it.

That's all for now! We hope you enjoy being a swan!